I was trying to start dating again after a failed relationship and some friends suggested using a dating app.
Turns out that that was the BEST and also the WORST suggestion ever.
The BEST because I did eventually find Mr Right on the app.. BUT, not before I met tonnes of scammers online. While I didnt lose any money, it was an absolute waste of time and energy for me and it was such hard work to filter them out! I really almost gave up!
Anyway, I thought since I already put in the work, why not share my FINDINGS and SOP so other women who are interested in dating online can benefit from it?
Once you have decided which app you will like to use, one of the most important things is the profile that you put up. Do take note to avoid the following things:
Next, you will need to start swiping pictures and before you do that, there are a few things you have to keep in mind.
In a dating app, you are likely to find 4 types of people:
Anyway, if your goal is to find a life partner, I will say it will save you much time if you keep your eye on the goal and filter out all the Cat 1-3 and focus on finding people in Grp 4 and getting to know them better to see if they are really your type.
Let's talk about Cat 2 or 3 first.
Cat 2- The Players
They are just out to have fun with no trouble so usually they wont bug you much really and it is not really that hard to spot them. For people in Cat 2 also, usually, their profile will state that they are OUT TO HAVE FUN.. or something along these lines. Some even tell you the type of sexual preference they have in some sort of code.
You also lower your chances of wasting time with them if your profile does not suggest you to be easy going. Eg, not too many "pretty" photos, don't sound too friendly in your self intro also.
And if you do accidentally talk to them, you will be able to tell very quickly because they will ask you strange strange questions like "Do you mind having a HSD boyfriend?" and the conversation will turn to sex very quickly.
And if you are asking what is HSD, it just shows you dont belong to their group and there is no need to waste time with these people ;)
Just for educational purposes, HSD means "high sex drive" and I kid you not, I had someone ask me as the 3rd question he asked me and I was like "Are you for real??" When I asked if he would consider that women may be offended with this type of questions, he went defensive and even told me he is just being upfront! I cant imagine any normal woman genuinely looking for a life partner wanting to date someone like tat!
Cat 3- Conversationalist
For Cat 3, usually most of them are upfront and will tell you that they are married. If they are not, I think you can sense that they might be because they will avoid questions about their relationships or their family.
And if they are not upfront, I will strongly suggest you be doubtful about their motives no matter what they may say.
Cat 3 pple usually only message to talk in their free time. Eg, when they are smoking, when they are taking a break, when their wives are bz watching tv. You are a time killer for them and as our time is ALSO precious, my suggestion for people who are serious in looking for a partner to forget about making friends.
And now we are done with the minority, we can move on to talk about the majority of the people you will meet online- The Scammers!
Apparently, the experience for a man and a woman is quite different in this case.
Cat 1- Male Scammers
The first thing we need to remember when talking about scammers is that scammers have a target audience whom they feel are more susceptible to scams and usually they will aim for people who have been recently widowed, divorced or perhaps not in relationship for a long time.
This is the reason why when you start chatting, alot of people will ask you about your relationship history UPFRONT.. because hey, scammers dont want to waste time too okie:)
While some of these relationship history questions are genuine, most of them are asked by scammers who want to size you up to see if you are suitable target and whether they should spend time to scam you.
After lots of "research", I think I have come up with a pretty comprehensive list of RED FLAGS that signify that someone is possibly a scammer. If you meet anyone that falls into just two of these categories, you should assume they are scammers. And yes, there is a chance they are genuine but in our best interest, there is NO NEED to take this chance because the chance of them being a scammer is much much higher!
And if you find that they fit 2 of more of the above mentioned, a good test is to tell them.. "Actually your profile looks kind of scammy.. ". Some of them immediately leave the chat after that because they do not want to waste time and effort on someone who is already suspicious.
Some are a little more "high level". They will ask u if u ever been scammed oe met scammers.. If u reply yes of cos.. They almost instantly disappear because they know you will be wary and they will need to spend way too much time on you to get our money.
Cat 1- Female ScammersI cant say very much about them but my male friends tell me that for female scammers, usually they fall into a few of the categories below:
I had a friend who has been lamenting that some scammer has been stealing his photos and using them in their profile for the last few years... and guess whose picture i saw when I was in the app! I sent him a screen cap and we had a good laugh about it.. He told me though, he has met victims who found him via FB and connected with him to "ask for their money back" and he cannot imagine how and why this person had the audacity to keep using his photos to do all these nasty things. He says sometimes the scammer doesnt even change names and keep using the same names for diff women.
A Personal Story
My very first person I spoke to on the dating app I was in was a scammer.
I would say that his scam was rather elaborate. As we were chatting, he will always tell me what he is doing when we are chatting and send over a picture of him doing that thing he was saying.. so it felt as if he was a real and genuine person... Eg, he will say he is eating banana while driving, and then he sends a photo of him eating banana in a car (we call him Banana Man).
But then once he started to make his move by telling me that he is going for a negotiation in the Philippines for some oil rig job negotiation, I was almost certain he was a scam. I only went along with it just to see what he has up his sleeves in the name of researching for this blog:)
So his story went something like this:
And this is where it gets interesting...
Most importantly.. I guess women should always listen to their 6th sense. If you keep feeling at the back of the mind that something is making you uncomfortable or like something is wrong or a need to actually try to convince urself this might work... If there is small doubt even.. Or if there is a feeling that Then, he is NOT the one and in my opinion, even if the is real, he is not worth your time.
And how do you know if you have doubts about this person? If you are a little hesitant to tell your close friends about him. Then that is possibly an issue.
I guess while you can always cross reference this page again and again when in doubt but there is no clear cut way to identify a scammer.
Just remember that if there is anyone that gives you any reason to feel frightened, small or uncomfortable, probably a scam or a guy who is just not worth it, tell a friend, walk away.
And as with all other scams.. if something feels off and is too good to be true, it is too good to be true.
Real men who are perfect for you and will love you just the way you are still exist though.. Good luck and may you meet the man or woman of your dreams soon!:)
Turns out that that was the BEST and also the WORST suggestion ever.
The BEST because I did eventually find Mr Right on the app.. BUT, not before I met tonnes of scammers online. While I didnt lose any money, it was an absolute waste of time and energy for me and it was such hard work to filter them out! I really almost gave up!
Anyway, I thought since I already put in the work, why not share my FINDINGS and SOP so other women who are interested in dating online can benefit from it?
Once you have decided which app you will like to use, one of the most important things is the profile that you put up. Do take note to avoid the following things:
- Do not tell them upfront if you are widowed or divorced or recently broken up (scammers love people with these profiles so you end up wasting alot more time)
- Do not put just a "pretty photo" and do not use any photo where you show off too much skin or any of your assets. Have some natural-looking photos of you doing everyday stuff as well so that people know you are real and also if you only have a "pretty" photo, you may find yourself getting hit on by undesirable characters.
- Do not sound too friendly on your profile.
Next, you will need to start swiping pictures and before you do that, there are a few things you have to keep in mind.
In a dating app, you are likely to find 4 types of people:
- Scammers out to look for a new target (they only have one goal... your money)
- Players out to look for people who are just out to have a good time (they also only have one goal- your body with no frills attached)
- Conversationalist who are usually married people out to look for some company and people to chat with cos.... I really cannot understand why lah.. I told them if I were their wife, I will be dam pissed. I will only want my husband to to want to spend time chatting with me. I am ok with him making friends but to chat with single lonely women online over app... that, in my humble opinion is a recipe for disaster and divorce. I think they are just looking to play with fire and maybe secretly wish the fire will burn....
- Genuine people like yours truly who were really looking to make friends and find The One.
(And even in this group, you will find people who havent fully let go of the past or are ready to move forward... but I guess you cant call them scams.. just lost souls who dont really understand themselves that much yet)
Anyway, if your goal is to find a life partner, I will say it will save you much time if you keep your eye on the goal and filter out all the Cat 1-3 and focus on finding people in Grp 4 and getting to know them better to see if they are really your type.
Let's talk about Cat 2 or 3 first.
Cat 2- The Players
They are just out to have fun with no trouble so usually they wont bug you much really and it is not really that hard to spot them. For people in Cat 2 also, usually, their profile will state that they are OUT TO HAVE FUN.. or something along these lines. Some even tell you the type of sexual preference they have in some sort of code.
You also lower your chances of wasting time with them if your profile does not suggest you to be easy going. Eg, not too many "pretty" photos, don't sound too friendly in your self intro also.
And if you do accidentally talk to them, you will be able to tell very quickly because they will ask you strange strange questions like "Do you mind having a HSD boyfriend?" and the conversation will turn to sex very quickly.
And if you are asking what is HSD, it just shows you dont belong to their group and there is no need to waste time with these people ;)
Just for educational purposes, HSD means "high sex drive" and I kid you not, I had someone ask me as the 3rd question he asked me and I was like "Are you for real??" When I asked if he would consider that women may be offended with this type of questions, he went defensive and even told me he is just being upfront! I cant imagine any normal woman genuinely looking for a life partner wanting to date someone like tat!
Cat 3- Conversationalist
For Cat 3, usually most of them are upfront and will tell you that they are married. If they are not, I think you can sense that they might be because they will avoid questions about their relationships or their family.
And if they are not upfront, I will strongly suggest you be doubtful about their motives no matter what they may say.
Cat 3 pple usually only message to talk in their free time. Eg, when they are smoking, when they are taking a break, when their wives are bz watching tv. You are a time killer for them and as our time is ALSO precious, my suggestion for people who are serious in looking for a partner to forget about making friends.
And now we are done with the minority, we can move on to talk about the majority of the people you will meet online- The Scammers!
Apparently, the experience for a man and a woman is quite different in this case.
Cat 1- Male Scammers
The first thing we need to remember when talking about scammers is that scammers have a target audience whom they feel are more susceptible to scams and usually they will aim for people who have been recently widowed, divorced or perhaps not in relationship for a long time.
This is the reason why when you start chatting, alot of people will ask you about your relationship history UPFRONT.. because hey, scammers dont want to waste time too okie:)
While some of these relationship history questions are genuine, most of them are asked by scammers who want to size you up to see if you are suitable target and whether they should spend time to scam you.
After lots of "research", I think I have come up with a pretty comprehensive list of RED FLAGS that signify that someone is possibly a scammer. If you meet anyone that falls into just two of these categories, you should assume they are scammers. And yes, there is a chance they are genuine but in our best interest, there is NO NEED to take this chance because the chance of them being a scammer is much much higher!
- Fuzzy Profiles
Scammers usually have fuzzy profiles. Eg, their pics are of them in caps, hats, sunglasses.... because it is not so easy to reverse search such photos online and see how they really look like.
Sometimes of course, the pictures are clear! And usually they will be pleasant looking like have the nice guy vibe. Rarely they will be tall and handsome like a korean movie star:) - No families and friendsNo family, no parents or parents live far away in a different country or part of the country. Very often widowed with or without kids, Sometimes no friends even... (who has no friends.. if they really dont have friends in real life, they would be difficult to get along with so easier to let them go... LOL)
This is vital so you cannot check on them from other links and also you end up being the ONLY person they can think of going to for HELP when they decide to act on it. - Independent Business Owners Or Contractors
They are often running their own businesses or in jobs tat have words "independent ", "Contractors" in their titles. Scammers are usually "working" in the following industries architectural, engineering, oil rigs, military (which explains why they have to travel to somewhere no one else can contact or help them except you. Contracts mean money is involved and the most frequent excuse they will use is they are contractor and that they need money to buy something to start work BUT they dont have the money at this moment and need to borrow from you.)
Sometimes they will also have very strange job titles.. I once came across someone listing his job as a "architectural engineer". Honestly, I don't know what sort of job that is because I cannot even find it if I google. When I asked the guy, it sounded to me like he is a builder of sorts. - Study in Obscure Schools
If you havent heard of that school and you cant find much info when you google, it is considered OBSCURE :)
I "liked" the picture of my boyfriend simply because I was finally presented with a picture of a person who studied in a school I KNOW in the country i come from:) - "Fall In Love" EASILYAfter few SHORT days, they will start to call u dear and tell u they love u..
Look, I am a fall hard and fall fast type of girl and even I have never been in relationships where people call me dear or tell me they love me after 3 days:) - Gonna Meet You SoonThey are always selling you a hope that you can meet them soon. Eg, they will say they are visiting or relocating to where you are soon.. usually in a few weeks or a month or so. It will always be somewhere in the near future so you are hopeful and desperate enough to do what they ask you to do.
- Not Really That Interested In You
This one can be a little difficult to spot if you are totally taken in. But if you will take a step back, you will realize that while they will ask you questions and say things like they care about you and ask you to take care of yourself. They will spend most of your conversation telling you things about themselves.
I actually think it is because they need to set their story up quickly as they will usually strike within 2 weeks of chatting with you. - Have Phone Numbers Listed As Dating Scam Online
Usually after chatting for a while, they will want to exchange numbers to move the chat elsewhere. If you bother to google, you will be surprised to find tat some lazy scammers actually reuse the same numbers again and again even if they already have already been listed online as a dating scam number! - Stories Don't Match
Sometimes, scammers work in teams using shared resources. But this is where sometimes the stories they tell don't match up. Even the tone they use and the words they use or the FEEL you get from the conversation can feel slightly off if you are talking to them at diff times of the day.
Eg, I met this guy who said he is travelling to Philippines for a negotiation. While I admire his enthusiasm to send me photos of people he is talking to (he said he asked to take a photo so he can send to his "girlfriend"- ME, it just seems strange to me that all the Filipino people he met there look like Koreans or Chinese!
Another time I met this guy who is super enthusiastic about chatting every evening with me. He said he lived in Singapore for two years previously and is overseas now for some work and will be returning to Singapore soon. So I asked him what his favorite singaporean food was. He told me CHilli Crab and Bak Kut Teh ... guess what, they were top two searches on google if you typed in "Singapore food"... LOL - Bad grammar or spelling
Typos are a real thing of course but for some unknown reason, I always think it will be strange for someone who has already been living in the US for a long time to be consistently ridden with spelling errors and bad grammar. So that is usually a sure sign of a scam. - No Social Media Presence
While there are people who do not have FB because they are private. BUT looking at someone's FB is one of the best ways to suss them up. Usually scammers do not have FB. Even if they do, they have either only friends of the opposite gender and have very sparodic posts only.
Even if you can find them on Linkedin. Fake accounts have very few "connections" (less than 100) and they usually have single track careers.
In order to suss someone up, you will need to be their LinkedIn or FB friend... and so they can see your details as well so once you are done with your research, you may want to unfriend them immediately if things look fishy to you. And if they do not have a social media account, it is better to be safe than to be sorry, we suggest you just cross this person out as well :)
And if you find that they fit 2 of more of the above mentioned, a good test is to tell them.. "Actually your profile looks kind of scammy.. ". Some of them immediately leave the chat after that because they do not want to waste time and effort on someone who is already suspicious.
Some are a little more "high level". They will ask u if u ever been scammed oe met scammers.. If u reply yes of cos.. They almost instantly disappear because they know you will be wary and they will need to spend way too much time on you to get our money.
Cat 1- Female ScammersI cant say very much about them but my male friends tell me that for female scammers, usually they fall into a few of the categories below:
- They outright offer to have sex with you for a very nominal amount but ask that you transfer the money before meet up. Once you transfer the money, they disappear.
- They ask for video chats and entice you with the show me yours and I will show you mine.. and in the end, they will record a video of you without clothes and blackmail you for money.
- They tell you they are looking for investors or business partners and ask if you will be keen to invest in their business. Once you transfer the money, they disappear.
- They are ready to meet up but really just looking for someone to pay for their meals in a nice place.
I had a friend who has been lamenting that some scammer has been stealing his photos and using them in their profile for the last few years... and guess whose picture i saw when I was in the app! I sent him a screen cap and we had a good laugh about it.. He told me though, he has met victims who found him via FB and connected with him to "ask for their money back" and he cannot imagine how and why this person had the audacity to keep using his photos to do all these nasty things. He says sometimes the scammer doesnt even change names and keep using the same names for diff women.
A Personal Story
My very first person I spoke to on the dating app I was in was a scammer.
I would say that his scam was rather elaborate. As we were chatting, he will always tell me what he is doing when we are chatting and send over a picture of him doing that thing he was saying.. so it felt as if he was a real and genuine person... Eg, he will say he is eating banana while driving, and then he sends a photo of him eating banana in a car (we call him Banana Man).
But then once he started to make his move by telling me that he is going for a negotiation in the Philippines for some oil rig job negotiation, I was almost certain he was a scam. I only went along with it just to see what he has up his sleeves in the name of researching for this blog:)
So his story went something like this:
- Went from US to Philippines to negotiate a BIG deal and was successful
- Needed to travel from Philippines to some god forsaken oil rig and cannot ring mobile so asked me not to use WA to contact him but sign up for a Hangout account to message him using that cos he is given a PDA that can Hangout but cannot WA (really??? Both require internet leh..)
- Said his clients promised to send over money to his bank account but he cannot access since he has not internet. Said he trusted me and gave me his bank account to check if the money came in.
- I made a decision to "login" on his behalf just to see what he was up to. Had this joke of an account with some obscure name for a bank. And the account and a distorted photo of him.. presumably to PROVE that he is owner of the bank account but banks dun put photos and it definitely wun be distorted if they are reputable bank okie :) Account has 700K inside. I took a screen cap and sent him and logged out.
- Messaged me again and said money didnt come in and he called his bank. Apparently bank FROZE his account cos unknown person (me lah) tried to login from some other country and he needs to personally go back to the US to verify his details at the bank. And he is in a bit of a fix and will need to go back but no money to buy air ticket cos bank account frozen and his "love"-- ME.. is the ONLY person in whole world who can help him.
- I said no cos i was poor and I needed money for me and my son.
And this is where it gets interesting...
- First he starts to become verbally abusive and calls me all sorts of names, saying I am so selfish.
- Then he does the "I thought you love me... but now I know you dont " thingy...
- When that doesnt seem to work, he went abusive again. I told him off and told him, "Look, you are asking money from me right.. you better watch the tone you are using.. you are asking me for help, I am not the one asking you for help here.."
- And like a psychopath, he immediately switched to the POOR ME persona and said how big of a fix he was in, he apologize and started saying how pitiful he was and gently coaxing me.
When it didnt work, he just got upset and scolded me and disappeared. LOL.
The thing is.. I think if a person wants to do business but cannot even find someone to lend him 2500USD for his business. THIS PERSON IS PROBLEMATIC even if this story is true.. so there is really NO NEED to pity them or help them:)
The thing is.. I think if a person wants to do business but cannot even find someone to lend him 2500USD for his business. THIS PERSON IS PROBLEMATIC even if this story is true.. so there is really NO NEED to pity them or help them:)
Most importantly.. I guess women should always listen to their 6th sense. If you keep feeling at the back of the mind that something is making you uncomfortable or like something is wrong or a need to actually try to convince urself this might work... If there is small doubt even.. Or if there is a feeling that Then, he is NOT the one and in my opinion, even if the is real, he is not worth your time.
And how do you know if you have doubts about this person? If you are a little hesitant to tell your close friends about him. Then that is possibly an issue.
I guess while you can always cross reference this page again and again when in doubt but there is no clear cut way to identify a scammer.
Just remember that if there is anyone that gives you any reason to feel frightened, small or uncomfortable, probably a scam or a guy who is just not worth it, tell a friend, walk away.
And as with all other scams.. if something feels off and is too good to be true, it is too good to be true.
Real men who are perfect for you and will love you just the way you are still exist though.. Good luck and may you meet the man or woman of your dreams soon!:)
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